Sometimes I wonder about the whole dating scene. Recently I began consorting with and then promptly stopped seeing someone. He exhausted me. Unfortunately it was not in a physical sense, but more in a yappy dog nipping at your heels kind of way. You know the type, you try to calm the little guy down and just when you think you’ve made some headway, he riles himself up again at a random sound, so you tiptoe around so as not to awaken or incite. What? Why does this person deserve some eggshell dance from me? He just needs to step off.
For more than two months, his inane online chatter was constant, morning and night, yet it went nowhere. At some point I realized that the man was so poorly socialized that he couldn’t carry on a real conversation; I mean utterly and frustratingly daft. At the start, I inquired about his family life, education, travel, current events, or what have you, only to discover that it resulted in non-answers like, “It was okay.” Okay, so where do you take the conversation from there? Or worse, if he did blaze the trail to talk, it would end up in one of two places: sex (“I wish you were naked here with me right now”), or an extended session of bellyaching and complaining (“Life is total shit” and let me tell you all the reasons why…). Last week, I had to stop responding, it was pointless for me to continue the non exchange after months. I do have to say, this conversational ineptitude might also explain why he thankfully spared talking with me on the telephone, and for that I am grateful.
His pleas are now desperate and sometimes sarcastic, and they continue. Naturally he claims no knowledge of why I would behave like this (his actual quote was, “Are you ever going to explain your actions?”), because he is, of course, so clueless to the world around him that it will never be revealed without clear and concise writing on the wall. He has chosen this, and it is a choice to live in a state of ignorance, which is something I simply refuse to further enable.
So, if he wants a real explanation, I’ve made a list. Next time he asks, I’ll email him the following. These are the 17 Reasons Why I Won’t Date You:
1. Your negativity and pessimism suck energy from everyone around you and they are sad, victimized ploys for attention (i.e. people should “make you smile” at your company holiday party). This is pitiful. Why subject others to your self-created drama?
2. You are a horrible kisser. Really, the worst ever.
3. You lack a sense of wonder and appreciation for life and hold no intellectual curiosity about anything.
4. Why would you send naked pictures of yourself, complete with closeups of prize body parts to someone who didn’t ask? Really, I was not in the least bit curious.
5. A young 50? Haha, hardly.
6. You need to learn the difference between the words than and then. And I would add the usage of less and fewer, but we really can’t expect a miracle (see number 3), can we?
7. You would think that with all your free time, you could find a few moments to clean your car. I don’t care that it’s not the newest model on the road, but I do that it’s a a pigsty — so much so that I knew I would never ride in it again.
8. Your constant use of textspeak makes you appear lazy, childish, and idiotic. Does typing those two extra letters really require that much more effort?
9. You don’t tie your sneakers. Are you 14? See childish and lazy above.
10. Your stories don’t always mesh together making it is difficult to tell the embellishments from the truth.
11. You call my friends, whom you’ve never met, unmerited names.
12. You don’t drink and you judge those who do.
13. Every time I see you, you need a haircut.
14. After months of your absurd online prattle, you don’t know a thing about about me.
15. The $4 chain that went with the $9.99 Irish Setter charm caught my hair and gave me a rash when the finish wore off. Merry Christmas!
16. You stop at the top of escalators without regard to the people who might be behind you. I’ve watched it happen.
17. You make oddly-timed and misfitting proclamations like, “I don’t take no shit from anybody.” What did that refer to? Were you getting ready to duke it out with some kid from the other grade seven class? The use of the double negative only adds to the oddity.
It is my hope that 2011 will offer some relief from dating, or at least a measurably better ability to detect behavior that I find so unappealing as to have to write lists like this before they actually require taking pen to paper (or in this case, placing my fingers on the keyboard).